#34: Risky Business

Prostitution; what larks! Totally objectionable.

#33: Paradise Lost

Profoundly troubling; Byers a maniac.

#32: Soul Man

Hilariously, mind-meltingly, staggeringly misguided.

#31: X-Men

Temporarily made me boycott cinema.

#30: The Hangover

Only three laughs; utterly charmless.

#29: Inland Empire

Laura Dern: nobody's favourite actress.

#28: Bringing Up Baby

Not even funny back then.

#27: Rock'n'Roll High School

[Because it can in fact cut both ways]:

Ramones blow up school: PHENOMENAL.

#26: Top Gun

Literally nothing worse on earth.

#25: Monster's Ball

Screamed with laughter. Drama fail.

#24: Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace

Childhood ruined before your eyes.

#23: Brick

How novel! Now fuck off.

#22: Donnie Darko

Drew Barrymore's conception of "art".

#21: The Reader

So functional, it barely exists.

#20: Con Air

Culture's last gasp death wheeze.

#19: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Make a different film, Wes.

#18: Superman Returns

So dull I actually cried.

#17: Space Chimps 2

Where was the public demand?

#16: Moulin Rouge! (2001)

Relentless fucking screaming awful crap.

#15: Crash (2004)

Simpletons' idea of intelligent cinema.

#14: Lawrence of Arabia

Very sandy; no real depth.

#13: Year One

STOP GIVING MICHAEL CERA WORK.

#12: The Prestige

- Cloning device?! Come off it...

#11: Singin' In the Rain

Ruined by inexplicable ballet interlude.

#10: Some Like It Hot

Men in drag; how hilarious.

#9: Transformers

It's a shame about Bay.

#8: Manhattan

Monochrome paedophilic fantasy; deeply unpleasant.

#7: Psycho (1998)

Whole new dimensions of pointlessness.

#6: 8 Mile

No evidence of any acting.

#5: Up In the Air

Nominated for SIX Academy Awards?!

#4: Superbad

McLovin: just not that funny.

#3: Sex and the City 2

Why would anyone watch this?

#2: The Boat That Rocked

Another terrible Richard Curtis film.

#1: Pan's Labyrinth

Spirit of the Beehive lite.